Its a hard, difficult thing,
To put them all in the bin.
They're my life line,
my only means of support.
But they can kill me,
and i don't want to die.
So the only solution,
Is to let them go,
to throw them all away.

Well, I decided something today, something that will help change alot of things for me. I just taped up my razors. I need to let go now, I need to start over, and to start getting better. I need my life back, and I am going to get it. I don't yet know how, but i know i can because i've got God with me, and good friends to help me through.

I'm going to throw them all out later on anyway. When everyone goes to bed, so i don't get caught.

  ¶ 11:58 AM

  Cutting

It's not as easy to stop,
as it is to start.
It's an addiction just like any other.
But it's not as often talked about.
It's the same as smoking, drinking alcohol or taking drugs.
But it scars you on the outside aswell as the inside,
which makes it more obvious to others,
Unless you cover yourself up.
Covering ourselves up,
is something all cutters are used to.
But it'd be so much better to stop.
Oh, if only i could stop.
If only it were possible.  ¶ 3:04 PM

  Happiness

Happiness is a nice emotion,
One I don't experience much.
But when i'm happy,
I like to make the most of it,
Because i fear this emotion will never come again.

This sums it up for me really. I'm afraid to be happy sometimes because i know it won't last forever, and i know within a short time i'll be back to the same old depressive state as before.

I haven't been too bad today actually. I haven't needed to cut. I'm really tired now though, i'm going to go to bed when i've finished typing these out.  ¶ 2:59 PM

  Trust

Trust is not just a word,
It's a very important thing in any relationship.
Whether it's friends, family or lovers,
It makes no difference who it is,
It's something that must be kept.
I don't trust alot of people,
But i trusted you.
I trusted you with a deadly secret.
One that's ripping me apart from within,
One that could kill me.
And you broke our trust,
By telling everyone my secret.
My secret that broke me,
The one that may one day kill me.
And now our trust has gone.  ¶ 2:56 PM

  I Told You A Secret.

If i told you a secret, would you promise not to tell?
It's something I want kept private,
something that noone else can know.
You see,I have this problem,
One i cannot shake.
It is an awful secret,
One i cannot tell anyone else.
Promise It'll keep as a secret?
Forever and a day.

  ¶ 2:52 PM

  Where were you?

You expect me to be here for you,
to help you all i can.
But where were you when i needed you most,
when i wanted to throw it all down the pan.
You want me to help you with your problems,
and for anyone else i wouldn't mind.
But you shut me out and ignored me,
When i needed you the most.  ¶ 2:49 PM

  You were always there

You were always there for me
Whenever i needed help.
I will always be here for you,
So i can repay the debt.
You helped me overcome alot of obstacles
and you were always there for me
especially when i was down.
You helped me to learn to smile again
when i didn't think it was possible.
You have always been there for me
When i needed you most.
And I will always be here for you
To give back what you have given me.  ¶ 2:47 PM

  Obstacles

When you come to a mountain, climb it,

Not all at once, but step by step, a bit at a time,

And you will get over it.

When you come to a river, cross it.

There is the easy way or the hard way.

The easy way is to walk through it and get wet,

but the harder way is to build a bridge.

It may be the hardest way,

but the hardest way is always best.

When you come to a hurdle,

Don't just walk around it,

Jump over it.

Anyone can overcome any obstacle if they put their minds to it.

It may be hard, and it may take time, but it's always possible.

  ¶ 2:43 PM

  I'm feeling slightly better again today. I don't need to cut yet today. I think i may have bruised the top of my arm some how, but im not sure how, it's by where i cut but i don't think it's that. I'm so behind with my school work it's unbelievable. I did my Buddhism project last night, so it's one less thing to worry about, but i have an ethics essay due in tomorrow and it's hard lol. i'll do it later.


I'm so bored tonight it's unbeliveable lol. Natalie rang me yesterday aswell lol, we were arguing down the phone, screaming at each other, i still can't believe she ran away from me in town see when i went after her, i only wanted to get the truth out of her like. If she didn't make up a lie as sick as the one she made up then she's sick and she needs help! She lies about so many things and then expects people to believe her, well i don't believe her one bit! Well we were screaming at each other down the phone for almost an hour lol, i wonder how much money that cost her?! It's her own fault anyway! I can't stick her, I can't believe i used to be friends with her. I think she's a compulsive liar, and it gets me so angry and riled up it's unbelievable. See, the whole reason why i started cutting again was partly because of her, and what she told me, and now it looks like a lie, so i started cutting over a lie, over nothing. I'd have gone 2 months without it if it wasn't for her probably, and now i'm back to square one, still struggling to stop. I will get through it alive, and i will stop cutting. I don't know how yet, but i will find a way. I've done it before, so i'll do it again.   ¶ 11:12 AM

  Here i moan again! I'm not going to cut tonight, i've got to stop somehow. I don't know if i ever will stop, but i have to at least try i suppose. If i don't start getting all my work done in school then i won't be allowed to help out in the primary school anymore. My year head told me that today. It's not fair, it's the only thing i have to look forward to at the moment and she wants to take it away from me. Why can't she punish me some other way. I can't actually help it that i can't do my homework, i just can't concentrate very well alot of the time, and i don't want to get to stressed because i don't want another panic attack, they scare me. If she's doing it to hurt me then she's doing a very good job of it. I don't know why everyone is doing this to me, if im not getting told to stop cutting im getting threatned that i'll have to stop going to the primary school. I just wish people would understand that i can't work much of the time. If i could i would, I'm not being lazy, i just CAN'T. I'm sure everyone's trying to kill me. I don't think anyone realises that me cutting was instead of trying to kill myself all of the time, and now i have nothing. I can't cope anymore. I think i've changed my mind. I really want to cut now. I can't stop. Why can't i stop, why am i so stupid??  ¶ 1:17 PM

  I'm back again. This time it's even worse news. I have to write about it, I've got to get my feelings out. I just cut. The first time in 11 days. I've let everyone down again. Why can't I just do this, why can't I stop? I'm so scared. God help me please. What have i just done to myself? i hate it i hate it i hate it, and yet i keep going back to it. why? why? why? I hate myself now because of this. I can't cope with it all anymore. I don't want this anymore. I've had it. I can't stop cutting, I give up now, so i don't disappoint anyone else, especially not myself. I'm afraid of being let down, of everyone giving up on me, of the fact tht i cant stop on my own, i hate having help off people i like to be independant and you know what? i need help and i'm scared of needing help.  ¶ 2:48 PM

  I had an appointment today with my psychiatrist. She thinks it would be better if i went to see someone else aswell as her, someone who specialises in self - harm. I'm so scared of having to talk to someone else all over again. It was so horrible when i had my first appointment with mine, and i don't know if i can go through it all again. She says it's to help me to stop cutting and she thinks it would work faster if i had someone to talk to every week instead of just now and again with her. I'm so confused aswell, i mean why do i have to give up my only way of coping? Are people being selfish by telling me not to cut, or are they just being good friends? Why are they trying to take away my only way of coping? Why are they all putting me through this absolute hell? I had a panic attack last night aswell, because i got so worked up because i wanted to cut myself and everyone was telling me not to. Why are they all hurting me? i thought i was gona die last night, i was so scared because i couldn't breathe. Why are they all doing this to me? What have i ever done to them? I'm so scared of dying though, i mean what if i die accidentally by cutting myself? Would that be classed as suicide? But if i don't cut, I won't cope and i might die because i can't cope with things. I can't win really. I really don't know anymore. One thing i do know though, is that i won't make it through tonight without cutting myself. I'm so confused, i just need to cut. I just need to cope.   ¶ 1:28 PM

  No Going Back November 24th 2002


She lies there on the ground,

Thinking of how she could have made him proud.

But now there is nothing,

Nothing at all.

For she has decided her way out of this hole.

She thought it would be for the best if she ended it all.

But she was wrong,

It wasn't for the best,

Because what about all the rest?

The rest of the people she was leaving behind.

The ones that would miss her,

The ones that were kind,

The ones that she had pushed to the back of her mind.

But now it's too late,

Too late to change it.

What's done is done,

There's no going back.


(That's one i wrote today, but it's not very good lol).  ¶ 12:05 PM

  Here's something very short i wrote yesterday:

She sits on the cold, hard floor of her bathroom. Crimson lines fill her body. The blood running down her body, the cold, shiny, silver razor lying at her side. She knows what she's doing is wrong, but no matter how hard she tries she just can't stop. She likes the way she feels when the cold razor blade cuts through her skin and when she sees the crimson drops flowing from her wounds. She likes the way her problems seem to disappear, the calmness after she's finished. But, if only she knew the truth. The truth about how this would ruin her life, how it would scar her - not just physically, but also mentally. How one day it would kill her.

I write alot of morbid things, i just can't write happy stuff atm.

It sounds a bit like me really, but it won't kill me because I WILL stop, i hope.

I have faith in GOD and that's what i need to get me through this, and HE will help me get through this. HE's got me through the past 9 days and i have faith in him that he will get me through another 9, and another until I won't have to do it ever again. I'm so glad i found GOD.   ¶ 10:41 AM